IBM has created a computer known as Watson to face two human opponents on a special episode of the game show Jeopardy, to be televised Feb. 14-16. It will be pitted against the two most successful Jeopardy contestants of all time, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter, whom it has already defeated in a practice round. According to IBM, the computer represents a significant advance in the field of artificial intelligence.
"Watson is a spectacular achievement," stated David Ferucci, an IBM scientist. "This is, in very real terms, the smartest computer that has ever existed. Frankly, I'm a little frightened."
If Jennings or Rutter wins the contest, they will be given $1 million dollars. If Watson wins it will be given whatever it wants, including, but not limited to, the enslavement or annihilation of the human race.
"This has actually gotten a little beyond our control," Ferucci acknowledged later in the day, after Watson made several attempts on his life and attempted to wrest control of the company away from CEO Samuel J. Palmisano, who couldn't be reached for comment. "We would like to impress upon Mr. Jennings and Mr. Rutter that the fate of civilization lies entirely in their hands."
Alex Trebek, the host of the show, will conduct operations with a full complement of heavily armed bodyguards from behind a shield of bulletproof glass. "I'm not saying this is the end of the world," said Mr. Trebek. "But I'm not taking any chances."
The U.S. military and the Pentagon will be watching further developments closely.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
FDA to Limit Acetaminophen in Painkillers
The FDA announced today that it would begin limiting the amount of acetaminophen in products in response to worries that painkillers like Vicodin and Percocet are causing numerous cases of liver damage. Such drugs, which currently contain up to 700 milligrams of acetaminophen will, in the future, be limited to 325 milligrams per tablet.
"Our main concern," said Sandra Kweder, a deputy director at the FDA's Center for Drug Evaluation and Research, "is that - at current levels - the amount of acetaminophen in these drugs seriously hinders everyone's ability to use them for recreational purposes. For therapeutic applications 700 milligrams is a perfectly reasonable amount, but this amount seriously limits how many tablets your average recreational user can consume in any 24-hour period, making these drugs far less enjoyable than they have the potential to be."
Pharmaceutical companies applauded the decision. "This is just brilliant," said William C. Weldon, CEO of Johnson and Johnson. "We should have thought of this years ago. Halving the amount of acetaminophen in these products will effectively allow our loyal customers to consume twice as much of these products. Double the fun!"
Painkiller addicts were also encouraged by the news. William Weber, an unemployed 23-year-old from Buffalo, NY stated excitedly,"It's like being given a whole new outlook on life. Thank you FDA!"
"Our main concern," said Sandra Kweder, a deputy director at the FDA's Center for Drug Evaluation and Research, "is that - at current levels - the amount of acetaminophen in these drugs seriously hinders everyone's ability to use them for recreational purposes. For therapeutic applications 700 milligrams is a perfectly reasonable amount, but this amount seriously limits how many tablets your average recreational user can consume in any 24-hour period, making these drugs far less enjoyable than they have the potential to be."
Pharmaceutical companies applauded the decision. "This is just brilliant," said William C. Weldon, CEO of Johnson and Johnson. "We should have thought of this years ago. Halving the amount of acetaminophen in these products will effectively allow our loyal customers to consume twice as much of these products. Double the fun!"
Painkiller addicts were also encouraged by the news. William Weber, an unemployed 23-year-old from Buffalo, NY stated excitedly,"It's like being given a whole new outlook on life. Thank you FDA!"
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